One of the things I love about being a part of the Fun + Faith team is getting to interview some really interesting people. I interviewed bestselling author Gary Thomas (Sacred Marriage, Sacred Search) a few weeks ago, and after I shut off the voice recorder he asked me about my family and so on. I’m not sure how it came up, or who brought it up, but Gary launched into a bit of unsolicited parenting advice. (I’m always interested to hear from people further along the parenting path than I am.)
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Gary told me that the best time to read The Sacred Search with teenagers was between the ages of 14-16 or 17 (my girls are 15 & 16) because they were old enough to talk about the topic, but were really too young to be in a serious relationship yet. Gary encouraged me to read the book.
Having had a small taste of the wreck and ruin of teenage infatuation and failed relationships already, I decided to take up his challenge. I bought 3 copies of his book and challenged my girls to read it through with me. We are about half way through the book and it’s completely changed their attitudes toward getting married and how to choose a spouse.
Some things have come up in our discussions that illuminated for me just how teenagers think about marriage and dating. I approached marriage very much the way Gary Thomas talks about in his book, so this wasn’t a new way of thinking for me – but his book has served as a great conversation starter and a guide through the topic.
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One True Love
My girls grew up on Disney princess stories; tales of finding your one true love, and the power of true love’s kiss. They would say they don’t really expect to meet Prince Charming or believe in the power of true love’s kiss, but they did think that there really was only one person out there for them.
Gary Thomas asks in his book, “But what if your one true love is a loser?”
Me: Sucks to be you.
Or maybe not.
I discussed with my girls that marriage is a choice, and that within God’s protective umbrella of traits to seek in a Christian spouse (that they share your faith) you have free will. There are people that God seems to set on a path to find each other – like Isaac and Rebekah or Mary and Joseph, but most of the time God gives us complete freedom in that choice and then expects us to live out that promise.
Waiting On God’s Will
This was prevalent when I was single too, the idea of waiting for God to bring your perfect match to you. You wouldn’t wait for the perfect university program to find you, or for the perfect employer to track you down and offer you a job. The logic applied to marriage doesn’t follow through in any other way. I’ve heard it said, “As He makes them, He pairs them.”
Of course, if you follow that flawed logic to its natural conclusion there’s a presumption that causes all kinds of heartache later. The idea that if you marry God’s special choice for you (again, the Christian version of your one true love), then because it’s God’s will your marriage is guaranteed to succeed.
God offers only a few guarantees in life, but one thing we know to count on is trials and tribulations in following Christ. A marriage is made up of two individuals who make choices, who struggle, who sin. Marrying the one “God sets aside just for you” is akin to saying that you’re now insulated from any number of marital obstacles and that’s just not true.
Choose wisely.
Infatuation Makes Us Stupid
I loved the way Gary Thomas really highlighted the science behind infatuation. How blind it makes us to qualities that we don’t want to see, or see traits in a boyfriend/girlfriend that just aren’t there.
My girls and I talked through ways to build in accountability and safe-guards so they’re not blinded or deceived by infatuation.
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Why Get Married
The Bible is fairly clear about why Christians should get married. There’s no mention of financial security, having a house or a car or a career – for prestige or power or influence. The Bible says if you struggle with lust, if the urge for sexual relations causes you to sin – get married. Pretty simple, right. That doesn’t mean you choose a spouse simply on the basis of sexual attraction, but neither should you be so cerebral as to think sexual attraction plays no part in a successful marriage.
Instead of being a serial dater, leaving a trainwreck of broken hearts and sexual sins behind you – earnestly, prayerfully, with a good deal of common sense and objectivity, find a spouse.
In my opinion, choosing a spouse wisely is more important than choosing a career or a university. I know a lot of people my age still paying for the education they couldn’t find work in or have moved on from *cough* like me *cough* but I’m still with the guy I married when I was 21. I’ve grown up with that man, had children with that man, and Lord willing – will grow old with that man.
How important is it to you to train your teens in wisely choosing a spouse? Have you had these kinds of talks with your teens? Do you plan to?
**Gary Thomas is doing two singles events in Canada this spring in Calgary and Toronto. View all the dates of Gary Thomas’ upcoming spring Canadian tour here.**
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